There comes a time in all walks of life when the going gets tough and you feel like you want to throw in the towel. However, you are taught at a young age that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. In fact there are a plethora of sayings to keep one motivated and they all basically boil down to; don’t give up, don’t be a failure. But surely there must be a point when enough is enough? This is a question I am facing on the cycle tour at the moment – is this a failed cycle tour? You may remember a previous blog post, Cycle Touring Fatigue, when I told you all that I was having a hard time and had been for a little time. That was back in July. It is now knocking on the door of November and, truth be told again, I have never actually gotten over feeling fatigued by the trip. It’s not physically tiring, although at the present time I am extremely tired pretty much all of the time, it is more just a feeling of dullness. A heavy fog touching everything, taking the shine away from all the experiences.
Sophie and I have talked a lot about these feelings and we both thought that a change of pace and scenery would do the world of good; a change is as good as a break, they say. So we have been in Mexico for just over two weeks now. The first few days we stayed in a hotel and did very little. We then spent two days cycling down to Tulum and have spent the rest of the time doing the Spanish Immersion course. New country, new culture, new language. There has been no change to my mood. I am increasingly finding myself frustrated with the situation. I do not want to feel this way. I am in a major holiday destination for the entire planet. Hundreds of thousands of people choose to spend their holiday time and money here to rest and recuperate and I’m underappreciating it. So I am deciding if it is time to come home and admit that this might be a failed cycle tour.
My first reaction to the conversations with Sophie of heading home were these feelings of failure. We had spent years saving and planning for the trip of a lifetime and how after only 8 months I’m having to fly home with my tail between my legs. We set up this blog and told everyone that we were going away for 2 years and now, after just one third we might have to cut and run. I feel like I’m letting Sophie down, I feel like I’m letting you down and I feel like I’m letting myself down. You may have noticed that I haven’t written anything for a long time. A reason for this is I wanted to distances myself from you, I wanted to make it easier for me to be forgotten. This was foolish. After looking at articles online I have discovered that by writing, one names feelings and emotions making it easier for your brain to pigeon hole that emotion (brains seem to really like to categorize things). Another useful part of writing is it helps you remember the good times because you think about them again and write them down (full disclosure, we miss out some really dull bits from the blog!). This action of remembering and writing actually creates a stronger memory to recollect in the future. So in a roundabout way by trying to distance myself from you I actually made the trip harder because I wasn’t reinforcing my positive memories.
But this feeling of failure is an interesting one. Sophie and I have cycled 8,500 miles unsupported in 3 countries. We have cycled further west and north than either us have ever been and we are currently at my most southerly point. Even with writing this I can’t help but feel that this is a job left undone. When we return early (again, full disclosure we will not be out for the whole 2 years, we are definitely not going to South America) I know that I will have failed Sophie and myself. Sophie is a wanderer. She loves to travel, see new places, meet new people and experience new cultures. It fuels her, she is an extrovert and is powered by these activities. I am not. I’m an introvert. Although I may seem outgoing, easy going and game for whatever it takes a lot of energy and it tires me out. And it’s taking its toll.
What I’m trying to say but not very succinctly is that I am not a failure. I’m not entirely sure that failure truly exists. We came out here with a plan. We didn’t complete the plan but we did come out. We made that step. I know now that I am not a wanderer. I like going away, meeting new people and seeing new sights but I can’t do it for long extended periods of time, my batteries get depleted and they need to be recharged at home, where I have great friends and a fantastic family. Although new cultures are exciting for a short time, I need to head back after a while to a place I understand and know what to expect. It is horrendously clichéd and it actually literally pains me to say, but in these last 8 months I have found more out about myself than any other years previously. I’m not saying I found myself (I was never that lost or unaware enough) but I got to know me, which has been great. So in the next few days we have to make some decisions about what to do next. But whatever we choose, we’ll choose it together, it’ll be the right choice and we’ll have a great time doing it.
28 October 2015 @ 4:30 am
Many times in life, if we are lucky, we're presented with new insights and revelations. These inform and develop our understanding of the world in which we live and the soul of ourselves. Having a plan is what we do when we don't fully understand what the experience will bring. The only failure you could achieve is to ignore what you have learned about yourselves, each other, and what drives and fuels you. If it's time to end this particular adventure, then it has run its course and you can forever revel in the adventure, soul-searching, and partnership from your place of reflection, fully recharged. There is no shame in knowing and accepting yourself and having a partner comfortable doing the same. You two are wonderful, are always welcome back anytime, and we hope to cross paths again!
28 October 2015 @ 4:44 am
Wow 8 months! I wouldn't be able to do 8 weeks, probably not even 8 days. I did two full days cycling once and I retell the expedition as if it were Everest I climbed. To say you've cycled the farthest north, west and south you've been is just nuts too. Normally need a plane for that and it's still tiring. Huge achievement wowzingtons
28 October 2015 @ 7:37 am
You need to focus on the positives and what you have achieved, all your family and friends back in GB are extremely proud of you and Sophie. Life is an adventure and as each adventure comes to an end the next is just around the corner. Cycling 8,500 miles is no failure! Mr P x
28 October 2015 @ 12:29 pm
Tom, great to hear from you but I'm gutted to hear you've been struggling for so long. Great honesty in this blog and I'm sure it is difficult to express exactly how you feel. what you've done so far is amazing. Whatever you plan on doing next, I don't think you can make a wrong decision. What ever you decide, Good luck and keep us informed with the blog.
28 October 2015 @ 1:32 pm
I agree with Grant, I don't think you can make a wrong call on this. And it definitely not a failure, no plan of attack ever survives first contact with the enemy.
I still amazed at you guys doing what you've done, the only way this would have been a failure is if you'd never begun. Really proud and sorry to hear its been such a tough time recently. (To be fair I've got loads of unused Fluoxetine if you want it. 😉 )
I love the last sentence of the post, That is the thing to cling onto.
28 October 2015 @ 3:33 pm
Hi Amber, thank you for that. I do think I don't appreciate learning about myself enough and I look on that education as wasted time. Hopefully that will change over time because understand ones self is some of the most valuable learning we can do. This trip has taught me a lot and I agree that knowing and accepting me for me is a worthy life lesson and to have Sophie with me is fantastic.
28 October 2015 @ 3:35 pm
Cheers Noah, I think that if I've done it then it can't be that fantastic or amazing. But yeh it is a good achievement. I look forward to hearing about your cycle tour adventure some time, it sounds pretty epic!
28 October 2015 @ 3:36 pm
Giving it a break could be a detour from the touring/detouring? What if you had only ever decided to do 8 whole months and see what you have already seen. That in itself is plenty enough for most! The word failure doesn't even need to come into it. Failing is being all talk and no walk and you guys have certainly walked the talk, no denying that one! Trying and deciding there's something to be doing with your time that suits you even better than what you're doing now is living and learning and acting on what you've learned. That is success.
28 October 2015 @ 3:37 pm
Cheers Mr P. Like I said to Noah I just assume that if I was able to do it then it can't be much of an achievement but I am, slowly, coming round to the idea that it is great. I just hope that people won't see coming home early as a failure, I do worry about that.
28 October 2015 @ 3:44 pm
Hey Grant, yeh it'd been tough on me for sure. And I think blogs should be honest, people may in the future come and read this and it might be useful to know that extended bike tours aren't for everyone. When we get back to the UK we will definitely try to keep the blog updated. We're going to try and capture of Detouring to Moose Jaw in other adventures, so it'll be great to tell you about those too!!
28 October 2015 @ 3:49 pm
Rhys!!! Thank you for the offer of prescription only medication; I feel that I will have to decline though. There are some issues I need to figure out but using drugs is not my preferred method. Sophie actually showed me http://www.7cupsoftea.com that proved useful and I think I will spend some time on that both here and when I get back.
28 October 2015 @ 3:53 pm
Cheers Tara. I like it. Going home is just a detour on our detouring adventure. Brilliant. But yes 8 months of touring is a long time. And I know logically that coming away, cycling almost every day, meeting new people and seeing everything we have seen can be in no way been classified as I failure that is how I felt. I was looking at the things unseen, the people unmet and the locations not visited. I was looking at what I wasn't going to have and not appreciated all that I had done. I still feel slightly like a failure but over time, and working at it, I'm sure I'll come to really accept that this isn't true.
28 October 2015 @ 5:26 pm
Hi Tom, I'm Patrick. I recently had a WarmShowers stay with Paul and Kathy in Indiana, who it turns out you stayed with, and they gave me your blog name, and that's how I ended up here.
I've felt many of the same emotions you have. I'm also painfully introverted. Long-distance bike touring tends to smooth that out, but after a while it catches up to me and it becomes hard to operate, particularly socially, and I can't imagine feeling that way while having to explore a foreign country, especially if you need to use a foreign language to get around.
By the end of my one long tour (4,200 miles across the USA, a fraction of what you've done!), I was physically fatigued in the medical sense of the word — and I had started the trip in good cycling shape and good overall shape. So if you've racked up a ton of miles in a compressed amount of time (and you have), fatigue is going to set in. After my trip, I didn't ride a bike (except to work, 5-10 miles total daily) for about five months, which was crazy for me because I used to do training rides totaling 100-150 miles a week. But the time off in winter allowed me to recharge, and after that I was back to normal.
If you don't want to quit the ride, have you thought about taking an extended break where you are or near where you are? You can find jobs (usually unpaid) property caretaking, often in scenic locales (see the Caretaker Gazette, which costs money to use but I hear is quite good), or house/petsitting in larger cities. You could also inquire with WarmShowers guests about an extended stay, or check out campgrounds that have long stay allowances (weeks) and bounce around from those. Also, if there are specific aspects of the tour that you're not having fun with, like weight carried on the bike or areas you're not having fun through, think about mixing that up, grabbing a long bus or train ride to a new place, etc.
Not trying to get you to stay out there, as ending such an ambitious journey after you've come so far isn't "quitting" in the negative sense of the word … but if you are still conflicted, it's something to think about!
28 October 2015 @ 6:36 pm
Well I totally refute the term 'failed cycle tour' like everyone else on the comments thread. Thousands of miles cycled – good for the planet. good for you. Hundreds of encounters with kind and lovely people, increasing the planetary sum total of goodness and faith in humanity. Discoveries made about yourself, about Sophie and about the world. It's a totally awesome achievement. Nine months ago you thought you might do a couple of years and now you've decided you don't want to – that's not a effing failure, that's just CHANGING YOUR MIND – you are allowed to do that, you know. Celebrate what you have done, don't worry about what you thought you might do and haven't done for very good reasons. That's what I think! Caroline
28 October 2015 @ 8:16 pm
Hi Patrick, thank you for getting it touch. We had such a great time at Paul and Kathy's house, it was a really nice evening with them. It sounds like you have quite a lot of touring under your belt too. We always knew that after the tour was going to be hard with fatigue and "blues" but I for some reason I never expected it to be the case on the tour. We are having a few days off in Tulum and we are going to figure out the next step. We were thinking of looking at HelpEx to see if we could help somebody out for board and lodge.
Sophie and I have some talking to do about the next part but, like I said in the post, when the decision is made we know it'll be the right one and have fun with whatever it is.
Cheers again Patrick
28 October 2015 @ 8:26 pm
Cheers Caroline. It's funny once it's down on paper and out in the open it feels ludicrous to think it would ever seem like failure, but for such a long time it did. I was never told sayings that make it ok to stop doing what you are doing because your opinion on the thing has changed, there is no way to make it sound punchy. Instead we are told, if at first you don't succeed, try try try again or the examples from the post. I like sayings, they roll around my head and I think about them but I put too much stock in them. I think that is where the problem arose. Now I know it's ok to try as hard as you might but if it isn't what you want to do then no worries, move on to the next thing.